


Operation BUTT

by sapphic



Series: for we in our youth did these things [1]
Category: The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Everyone is Queer, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, MOGAI characters, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 18:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2478623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphic/pseuds/sapphic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Ladies, gentlemen and other deviants on the gender spectrum, I introduce to you Operation Bottom Under The Touch," Piper declares with a flourish, because she's the actual worst at acronyms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. percy jackson is a bottom

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by robokittens' cool gays table series, from a completely different fandom. Also, it's really short because two very queer asians started an email thread they are now regretting. It was wild from start to finish.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Think about it! It’s like, he’s so straight he’s crossed over to the other side of straightness and came out gay.”

“Percy Jackson is the biggest bottom this side of the Atlantic,” Piper McLean declares, setting down her lunch tray with a flourish. To his credit, Jason only spills juice down the front of his shirt.

“Please,” Clarisse says, rolling xyr eyes, “Percy Jackson? More like biggest cis straight boy this side of the Atlantic. And on the other side too.”

“Seconded,” Nico mumbles, though she takes his opinion with a grain of salt. Piper knows for a fact that he's playing footsy with Will under the cafeteria table. Thank god Will isn't straight, she isn't sure if she would be able to handle him being that gross as a cishet dude.

“Yeah, but,” she props herself on her elbows and leans forward, “Think about it! It’s like, he’s so straight he’s crossed over to the other side of straightness and came out gay.” She thinks for a moment. “Like a fucking prism or whatever. Annabeth, stop staring at Reyna’s ass for a moment and back me up here.”

Annabeth, with great restraint, draws her eyes away from said girl’s gluteus maximus and back to the asses in front of her. “Well,” she says, “Back when we were dating” (a shudder from all – it was a dark, dark period indeed, when everyone thought she was straight), “He… enjoyed being dominated.”

“Doesn’t mean he swings our way,” Jason says.

“If you’re so insistent, big boy, why don’t you find out for the rest of us?” Drew’s expression remains bored, but Piper can just detect the glint in her eyes. Hell yeah for scheming Asians.

“Give it a week. Grace, you’re going to persuade Percy Jackson into bed with you,” Drew says, pointing at him with her nail polish brush. “If you fail, none of us will be any worse for knowing.”

“And if I succeed?”

“You get the pleasure of pleasuring Percy Jackson.”


	2. activate the straight boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Will," Piper says, eyes glinting, "is gatekeeper of the condoms."

"Will, I want you to bring me some lube and the biggest assortment of condoms you can find." Piper throws her bag down as she slides into her chair. Reyna raises her eyebrows at Annabeth, motioning at the way her thigh is pressed against Drew's the moment she sits down, but her girlfriend only rolls her eyes and steals another French fry.

Nico starts a violent coughing fit, to which Will responds by thumping him--but gently--on the back while grinning. 

"Sure, but what's the occasion?" 

"Ladies, gentlemen and other deviants on the gender spectrum, I introduce to you Operation Bottom Under The Touch," Piper declares with a flourish, because she's the actual worst at acronyms. 

"Pipes, tell me you did not just call it that so you could shorten it to Operation BUTT," Annabeth protests. "What does Under The Touch even mean??"

"It means," Aphrodite's true-blue daughter explains, "that over the course of the next three days, all the straight boys in this school are going to hit on Percy until Jason gets us solid proof that Percy Jackson is a straight-up--sorry, queer-up bottom."

"I'm in." Everyone is a little bit taken aback, but Reyna shrugs. "I'm in. Percy Jackson needs to get freaked out by some gay action."

Jason looks around like what the fuck did I do to mess up my karma to get these stupid queer trash for friends, but they're all nodding and Drew is smirking at him, damn her perfect pink eyeshadow, so he sighs with an air of resignation and tosses down his burger. "Fine. I'll bite. How does the bet go?"

"Will," Piper says, eyes glinting, "is gatekeeper of the condoms." 

At this point, Nico is this side of absolutely certain that she's doing this just to vex him.

"We'll get the word out that every straight boy who drops a pick-up line on Percy is going to get a free condom from Will. They'll bite for sure."

"And we bet on how many condoms will be gone before Jason rounds things up," Annabeth guesses, because this is totally, like, immature and everything and Annabeth is anything but immature, but Jason really needs to get laid and Percy needs to stop being such a cishet boy, so she's in.

Piper lets Drew feed her a piece of asparagus, grinning rakishly.

"I can't believe I'm sitting at this table," Clarisse grumbles.

Jason agrees.

"And you guys," Piper says sternly, jabbing a finger at Will and Nico, "no missing condoms, please."


	3. several scheming asians later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do your Asian grandmamma proud, Drew said.

They decide that Frank would be a lovely way to begin.

“Hi, Percy!” he says. He's smiling like he's trying to get his muscles to freeze that facial expression onto his face before it drops and he dies a slow death under Hazel’s hands (she's the one who took him into the corner and coached him on how he was going to do it. They don't need condoms, but goddamn they want that sweet new Sailor Moon Blu-Ray and Drew knows it).

“Frank!” Percy says with cheer almost blinding as he hip-checks the locker. Frank experiences a disorienting out-of-body moment as he realises he's in the middle of a fucking American movie. No, asexuals don't exist in Hollywood, and he hasn't disintegrated into pixels yet so, no, this is real.

Do your Asian grandmamma proud, Drew said.

I’m going to whomp your Sailor Mars butt, Hazel said.

He takes a deep breath and goes for it.

“Percy, you know your body is 65% water, right? ‘Cause I’m thirsty.”

Percy blinks. “Wait, Frank, are you — ”

“Are you lost? I mean, heaven is kind of a long way from here.”

“Uh, Frank, I’m not — ”

Oh my god, he's doing it. Frank feels a surge of confidence, like that time he managed to beat Hazel at Mario Kart, and also like that time Drew helped him paint his nails and Hazel looked like she was going to swoon.

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.” He thinks for a moment. “Maybe the D once we get to know each other better.”

Percy drops all his books.


	4. five condoms later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I thought you were only torturing the straight boys. I was the first one to come out, you can't do this to me."

"Five condoms gone," Will announces, tossing what is now known as the Protection Package onto the table. The wrappers make a slapping sound inside the pouch, and Jason swallows uneasily at the other end of the table.

Clarisse groans and grudging pulls a dollar out of xyr back pocket to hand it to a smug Thalia.

"Hey," Piper protests. "We're not done yet."

"What?" Thalia grins, pocketing the dollar. "We're doing daily bets. I bet an upper range to five, Clarisse took the lower range. I win."

Hazel pats a mortified Frank on the shoulder, her face nothing but sympathy. Now that the high has worn off, he can't really believe what he did. Will fishes a condom out of his pouch and waves it at the poor boy, who can hardly look him in the eye.

Across from them, Annabeth mutters something under her breath, scribbling on a notepad. As Reyna leans in to whisper something in her ear, she ducks her head and flushes. 

"That's not fair." She narrows her eyes at Reyna. "You're cheating."

Reyna laughs. "No, I'm making use of my resources."

"Piper, dear," Drew smiles slyly, "they're rigging your game. I'm not sure how or why, but they are."

Reyna laughs again. She didn't use to do that much, but ever since Annabeth started playing with her hair in public sometimes, she's been laughing a lot more, and the group could get used to that.

"Ah, Nico." Piper winks at the boy as he walks over and puts his tray down.

"No," Will says immediately. "Absolutely not." But Piper ignores him. Like he actually expected anything else.

"You're next," she tells him gleefully.

Gods above, she must have been a murder mastermind in her past life.

Nico starts. His nerves, Will wails silently, his nerves. 

"I thought you were only torturing the straight boys. I was the first one to come out, you can't do this to me."

"That's right," Will points out quickly. "He's, like, the gayest of the gay."

"The king of the gays," Nico agrees. "Like, my mum was probably Iris, I'm that gay."

"A fucking unicorn." He snatches the Protection Package from the table and stuffs it into his bag. No reason to freak his boyfriend out even more.

"Annabeth, help me out here."

Annabeth glances up from her notes. There's a brief pause, then she smiles. "Nico, I'll help you out if you do it."

"Oh, no way," Reyna protests. "Annabeth, that's not fair."

"What?" She smirks. "I'm only making use of my resources."

They go back to whispering and arguing, but as Thalia walks past to dump her tray she casually, accidentally knocks their faces together, so after that there's a lot less bickering and a lot more making out.


	5. bisexuals are realler than asexuals (slightly)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can do this. Annabeth fucking coached him. He glances at the tiny boy at his side (still resolutely burrowing) and then at the… heterosexual monstrosity in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering, this is indeed a fic slamming Percy Jackson left to right. But not up and down though, that's Jason's job. You're welcome.

“Hey, Percy!” Will says, his arms slung over Nico, who's doing his best impression of a frightened hedgehog preparing to hibernate in winter. He's also really red, and transparently attempting to cover up the hickeys on his neck with his t-shirt, which has cute tiny ghosts on it. Will chose that shirt. Not that Nico complained much.

Percy slams his locker shut and runs for it, almost slipping on the books that spilled out. Will has amazing long legs though (and an equally amazing ass, Nico files away that observation for later use), and he catches up to their token cishet friend quickly enough.

“Hey, hey! Easy!” He throws up his hands in mock surrender.

“Oh, it’s you guys. Thank god. Do you know how many times a ‘Hey Percy!’ from a dude has ended in them hitting on me?” He doesn't wait for their reply. “Like way too many times.” He moans and flings himself against the wall dramatically.

“I’m not even gay.” He bolts upright. “Uh, not that there is anything wrong with being gay!” He looks from Nico to Will anxiously, with the latter already feeling his initial feelings of guilt dissipate. Percy needs this. Hell, all of their friends need this.

“For the record, I’m bi. And yeah, we’re great today, thanks for asking.”

“Sorry,” Percy says ruefully. “I’m just. Yeah. How’s it going though, you guys?”

He can do this. Annabeth fucking coached him. He glances at the tiny boy at his side (still resolutely burrowing) and then at the… heterosexual monstrosity in front of him. In front of his eyes his life flashes by – Piper, who's the queermo of queermos and makes straight chicks and queer girls scream (just in different ways), Reyna and Annabeth who are Queer Powercouple and really terrifying, and Drew who helps him down the path of sexual depravity with some lube and then dildos.

He has to fulfill his duty.

“It’s going great, Percy. But you know, we were thinking about spicing things up a little bit.”

He ignores the dying sounds coming from inside his jacket. Somehow Nico has unzipped it and navigayted to the region within.

“Spicing things up…?” Percy Jackson has malfunctioning survival instincts, but it works in his favour.

“Yeah. Like, in the bedroom?” He adds helpfully and has the pleasure of seeing the exact moment the shutters come straight down. Percy is speechless.

Right time for Plan B. He whirls Nico out of his hoodie, grabs his face and kisses him.

Nico makes a sound that registers somewhere between a squeak and a dying whale noise, but he keeps his hands around Will's waist, still under his hoodie, and Will feels him smile against his lips. Grinning, Will exaggeratedly turns Nico around and slams him against Percy's locker, making a point of moaning loudly and running his hands through Nico's hair as sexually as he knows how. Thank goodness Drew, the guardian of sexual depravity, had the foresight to introduce PornHub. 

Percy, he notices, isn't even in a hurry to leave.


	6. the grand (gay) finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Percy Jackson enters the arena," Piper remarks casually.

"I'm kind of hitting my threshold for boys here," Thalia moans, throwing half her body across the table. "Please, let my little brother straddle Percy and get this over and done with."

"You're still winning money," Clarisse points out. Xe's got a navy blue on today and it's putting xem into a good mood, so even over-betting and losing money to Thalia (Clarisse was never one for planning or strategising, unless it came to fights) can't disrupt that.

"I heard something about straddling," a sweet voice says from behind them both. Thalia starts and Clarisse stares, but the girl only winks at Clarisse and walks away, empty tray in hand, even though lunch period has only just started.

"Who's that?" Drew, uninterestedly curious as ever, sits down and peels a perfectly yellow banana. Thalia notices the perfect yellow, because that's just the kind of thing that Drew Tanaka's presence draws your attention to--unblemished things she surrounds herself with.

"Bianca di Angelo." Thalia makes sure her voice is even, and makes sure to sit up straighter than before. 

"Like, Nico's sister?" Clarisse frowns. 

It was kind of nice, Thalia thinks, to just be talking. She doesn't know either of them very well, and she isn't all for bonding and touchy-feely and all that, but without the rest of the gang here, just talking was...nice. Like it was okay to not have a girlfriend to bicker with over lunch.

"Yeah." She nods, chewing on something or another. Food is food, anyway. "Heard she got back after a break from school, like, shooting or something. Helping her dad out with a forest ranger thing? Dunno."

"Maybe she'd want to join the archery club," Clarisse muses.

Thalia almost--almost--lets her eyes light up. But no. No, that isn't the kind of response Thalia Grace gives to suggestions that cute, pale, sweet-voiced girls who drop in and out of school and surprises lesbians with an inordinate amount of flirting would want to join her archery club. It isn't. 

"Right. Yeah. Maybe." She swallows her food. "Mm hmm. Maybe. Hey, so you know that chick I banged at Hylla's party last Friday--" 

Piper announces her entrance by handing Drew her soy milk and also planting a kiss on the side of her jaw and nibbling a little bit. 

"Good, you're here." Drew gestures at Thalia. "The puppy-crush vibes from raging punk lesbian over here are killing me. I don't do feelings."

"Poor baby," Piper coos, not unsympathetically. "I know a quiet place between the Art Rooms and our lockers."

"You know all the quiet places in school. But okay, yes. I'll look for you after your art." Piper starts to speak but Drew flicks her fingernails with her thumb. "Seventh period, I remember. No need to fret."

Reyna and Annabeth drift in together. Drew thinks drift, because Annabeth is barely there, and Reyna is really just following her, taking Annabeth's tray from her while she rummages in her bag and pulls out the notepad.

"Okay," Annabeth frowns, "I've got my tactical positions ready. My squad is all ready on my cue. You might have been a threat of a threat yesterday, Ramirez-Arellano, but not today. Today, my strategy is complete."

"You might have coached all your players well, Annabeth, but I hardly doubt you did it in a Caesarian manner." Reyna's chin is raised defiantly, her dark eyes gleaming. "My troops are ready, too."

"Then we'll see who's the better strategist."

"I guess we will."

Reyna extends her arm, an invitation for a grip. Annabeth obliges, leans in, and Drew almost thinks for a moment that Reyna would fall prey to the way Annabeth's eyelashes are fluttering, her breath falling on the other girl's lips. But Reyna looks back up at Annabeth, her lips curving upwards, and they both laugh, foreheads resting against the other's.

"See you in second place, babe." Annabeth snatches up her notebook and twists in her seat, facing the front of the cafeteria. "In exactly fifteen seconds, he's going to walk in from that door--" she points to what she's labelled Entrance B on her notepad--"and go right towards the food line."

At this point, even Clarisse and Thalia stop talking and look up, intrigued. Piper is stock still beside her, transfixed by what's going on, and Drew realises for the first time that all the boys are missing from the table.

"I know," Reyna says calmly, gaze fixed on Entrance B. 

Percy walks in, right on cue.

"Percy Jackson enters the arena," Piper remarks casually.

"He's going to take a tray," Annabeth predicts. Or, rather, states, because she knows this already.

"You're expecting him to catch the basketball Grover will throw at him, the way he always does," Reyna says smoothly.

"Grover Underwood executes a pass towards Jackson." Piper is really getting into her role. "But wait! Is that Connor Stoll, stealing Jackson's perfect entrance into the playing field of heteronormativity?"

Reyna smirks, pleased with herself. They watch as Connor spins the ball on one finger over Percy's head, saying something that is very visibly making Percy gape. 

"You got the twins," Annabeth says, half-resentfully, but not really, because Reyna was really clever in tricking her out of Travis Stoll. 

"Double trouble," Reyna agrees. 

"The other Stoll twin serves refreshments!" Drew really doesn't know what Piper is saying at this point. "Here he comes! Double trouble! Twin win! Gemini whammy-ni!"

"Keep that up, and I'll wham you for a change," Drew complains.

Piper ignores her. "Jackson recovers, ducks under the basketball of masculinity, and emerges in the food line unscathed! Alas, more obstacles arise."

"I planted two more as lunch boys," Annabeth reveals gleefully. "I knew you'd take the entire line. I told Butch he could serve the meatballs with any filthy line he liked. Oh my god, I think his ears are turning redder than the bolognaise sauce."

"The line of human sustenance has stopped! It is all part of a trap to deprive the men of bodily needs," Piper wails. "How will Jackson handle this master foil? Find out in the next episode."

"Dakota is saying," Reyna explains, peering at her player, " 'This is the part where you yell "Don't Stop" '. I'm personally quite proud of this move."

"I can see Percy's life force draining out of him from here," Drew remarks, sipping her soy milk contentedly.

"He's practically begging the other lunch boy to not serve the spaghetti." Clarisse brightens up. "Wait, I know what this line is--'Hey, Percy!'" Xe did xyr best manly voice. " 'Are you spaghetti? Because I bet you're only straight until it gets hot.' " Xe lets out a booming laugh, and high fives an enthusiastic Annabeth.

"Oh my god, what's Dakota saying now?"

She might as well just claim the trophy now, Reyna thinks as she tells them: "He's saying, 'Do you want me to let you cut the line, Percy? Because I have no problem getting behind you.' "

"Jackson sacrifices nobility! He cuts the queue, moves ahead, only to be confronted with a further thinning of his protective atmosphere of masculinity!" 

"Here's where I sabotage you," Annabeth tells Reyna. "That's Michael in front of Dakota. Now he's saying, 'Hey, Percy! Cutting the line already? Moving in and out of the boys, I see.'"

"Oh god." Reyna wrinkles her nose. "That is really disgusting."

"And here comes..." Piper pauses, holding her breath of dramatic effect. "The grand finale. Surrounded by his queerbros, MVP Percy Jackson must make a choice! Friendship, or heteroinflexibility? The greatest sacrifice of all."

Reyna and Annabeth's strategies converge as Percy finds himself faced with Frank, Will and a mortified, nearly-fainting Nico at the end of the line. 

"Oh god," Percy exhales weakly. "Thank goodness it's you guys. Dude, I have no idea what's going on." 

From across the cafeteria, Piper persists in her interminable task. "Percy Jackson lets his guard down amidst the queer. Little does he know that his fate lies in the hands of two powerful even queerer girls. Little does he know anything."

Will nudges Nico, two parts encouraging and one part suggestive. 

"So uh," Nico squeaks, practically dissolving in his jacket. Remember what she promised us remember what she promised us, he thinks. He draws in a deep breath, squares his shoulders and looks Percy full in the eye.

"The grand finale," Piper intones.

"Percy, did you know you're not my type?"

An audible gasp is heard from the food line. It is echoed at the table across the cafeteria. Reyna and Annabeth fist-bump each other, totally ironically.

The last anyone ever saw of Percy that lunch period, he was clutching at Jason's shirt, and the boy had his arm around Percy, leading him out of the cafeteria while nodding sympathetically. 

"All right, troops," Piper orders briskly, businesslike. "Let's count our losses and pay up."


End file.
